Six years ago we did fertility treatment, Clomiphene to be precise. I tolerated the medication well but I become obsessive, that kind of thing consumes every thought that passes through your mind. On our sixth round we get pregnant & we’re elated because the odds seemed low & the public list is looooong if you already have a child!
Excitedly we take Eli along to the Nuchal USS but as soon as the probe pushes into my stomach I see nothing that resembles a 12 week baby & I immediately start to sob. Eli & Jeremy are still registering what is happening. The baby hasn’t grown past six weeks. A missed miscarriage.
I’m mad as hell at my body for deceiving me & for not miscarrying much earlier but I decide on expectant management & go to my SIL’s baby shower the next day. I regret both of those decisions. I fought tears the entire baby shower, happy for her but devastated for myself. It took days for the baby to pass, it eventually happened at work. I was on delivery suite & was in a birth room with someone in labour. I’d been uncomfortable all day, my shift was nearing the end but I call in another midwife & confide in her that I think I’m having a miscarriage, she encourages me to ask to go home but I tell her I just need 10. I go to the bathroom & the first lot of products fall in the toilet. I flush it away, go back to the birth room & finish my shift.
I bleed for weeks which is daily salt in your wounds. A repeat USS reveals retained products but not enough for surgical removal. I cry again & the empathic Registrar tries to get the Consultant to sign off on a D&C but it’s denied. I’m given Misoprostol, that works & clears what’s left.
I can’t tell you when that baby would have been due or any further details. I’m excellent at blocking hurtful or unpleasant things from my memory. But as I typed this in acknowledgement to Infant Loss Awareness Week my eyes are filled with tears & my heart hurts, it’s one of the most awful things I’ve experienced & I did it mostly in private. 1:4 women will experience a miscarriage. It’s so common that it shouldn’t be done in private. This week we acknowledge the lives and deaths of all babies, no matter what their gestation, length of life or how they died.